My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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