My hand turned me down
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize