How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize