My hand turned me down
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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