my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
