he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
