im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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