YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Houston, we have a blender
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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