you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
