Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
