i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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