I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
