That's when you crack a 10am beer
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
