And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
