hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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