To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
