This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
