i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
And then he peed in my hair
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