I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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