Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
