guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize