...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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