Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
