i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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