I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
