My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
