My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
