And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
