You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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