She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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