What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
