I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
