Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
