Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
