somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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