On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
