We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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