dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
