Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize