Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
