I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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