I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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