mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
