i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
