Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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