If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
