Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize