And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
