Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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