there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
