Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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