dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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