why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
