Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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